The Best A Man Can Get? In Praise of the Beard

Brett Keisel #99 Phwoar.

Dear Gentlemen: if you want to enhance your masculinity, if you want to make other men quake in their soft-sole shoes and women go all tingly in their lady parts, then go with what nature intended: grow a beard.

Not some facial hair that has been tamed and maintained by a setting on your trimmer; an actual beard, the kind that grows unhindered and lends an aura of mystery and glory to your face. No artful shaving of the cheeks and neck to keep it in check, either; go full-on mountain man.

Here in Pittsburgh, we have a fine sporting chap by the name of Brett Keisel. He’s a defensive end for the Steelers. He’s 6’ 5”, has two Super bowl rings, and what he calls “the greatest beard of all time.” He’s not modest about it. He knows he’s playing the alpha male card every time he looks in the mirror or into the eyes of an opponent. There's even a fight song dedicated to it. 

A beard that says "don't mess with me," and "form an orderly line, ladies."

This Sunday, the snowfall was measured in Pittsburgh by examining how much of it collected in Brett Keisel’s beard. This is a town that loves its football players, but you rarely see a Roethlisberger shirt; instead, you see a lot of Polomalus and Keisels. What do those guys have in common? Famously abundant hair.

If you need any more convincing, then take a look at what Keisel looks like without his beard — which he periodically shaves off to raise money for charity.

Unsexy

Just another lunky dork.

Ask yourself why Duck Dynasty is so popular. Are we that interested in duck calls? No! It's the sexy beards!

Case. In. Point. 

And don’t let the Gillette people fool you: ladies do not prefer the smooth-all-over look. Stop shaving your chests, your legs, your armpits and your balls. That’s just weird. Gillette has a financial stake in getting you to act like a clown and engage in something they call “body styling.” They do this by paying three hot models to suggest they like hairless men. This is reverse psychology! They’re playing on the likelihood that men prefer hairless women (and that shaving each other’s private parts is some acceptable form of hanky-panky. It isn’t.). They try to ensnare you by using words like “confidence” with the underlying implication that if a man is confident with his penis, he won’t mind letting it hang there out in the open with no place to hide. There’s a reason why it’s called the “happy trail,” Gentlemen. Think about it.

So please, dear Gentlemen: when making your new year’s resolutions, consider being the best a man can get — and toss out your razor. For good.