Sunday, September 9, 2012

What a Metaphor is For

Stealing Thunder Y'all

Like a thief in the night.

How many otherwise good songs have been ruined by that awful metaphor? Dum dum dum, need something that rhymes with “alright.” Tight? Fight? Might? Black and white? Strunk & White? This sounds like shite?

And who is this thief operating under the cloak of darkness? Why, it is the scoundrel who stole some young girl’s heart. Like a thief in the night he / she stole my heart. Damn. You need a better security system or a big dog. You need a Colt 45.

Songwriters need to come up with some new material, pronto. Bitch done crushed my soul, y’know. That’s better. Drop-kick my goddamn heart before you leave the field. Even that. Baby just pickpocketed my whole life. Slipped his hand in mine and there it went. Palmed my soul like a wallet and walked away. Just stop using the words “like” or “as” because similes aren’t as strong as metaphors. When it comes to your broken heart, you don’t want to be dealing with weaksauce verbiage.

While we’re at it, let’s punt Roget in the ass and find some new rhymes. Heart rhymes with start. With apart. With fart. With cart. If you’re really clever, with can’t. Love rhymes with above, glove, shove, dove and have, on a good day. Rodgers and Hart rhymed "spoil" with "girl" in 1929 by squeezing the singer's tongue around until it pronounced it "goil." That's inventive. And funny. Especially as the joke was a double entendre, the song being about Manhattan. 

The only good cliché featuring the word “night” is in the still of the night. Sung by either David Coverdale or the Five Satins. It gets better. It gets meta. It shoulda, woulda, coulda. For fuck’s sake sing a new song.

Four of the Five Satins. The early days of lip syncing were rough on performers and audience alike.

No-one's paying any attention to the lyrics anyway. 

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